Rabid Wolves
by PhoenixFire Lia
Summary: I think the cold medicine got to me on this one. Eh, more Lobo Fuerte ranting and attacks by Nimoy and Buchholz.


Rabid Wolves

The screaming fans have finally gotten to them. 

Matt sighed and began deleting all but one email off his hard drive. Two thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine of the three thousand emails were from his adoring fans. A majority were wedding proposals, invitations to proms, invitations to play at someone's birthday party or bar mitzvah, one from a guy who was in Nicki's art class who wanted to buy his soul, the usual junk. The other one was from Lia, reading:

"Matt, 

Why didn't you tell me you named the band? I heard it from a reviewer first, then I had to go through my tape again so I could hear it come out of Terry Bradshaw's big mouth. 'Young Wolves,' LOL. Just answer me this: Did the Los Luchadores come up with it or what? That seriously sounds tainted with the spandex of Lobo Fuerte and his Luchadores. Call me, kay?

*hugs & kisses* Lia."

Matt promptly began replying. 

"Lia,

Frankly, I didn't know about the band name until afterwards. Sorry. And I'm really sorry they used that lame clip AGAIN. I was told we'd get five minutes and a shot with Britney Spears and the sock on her arm, LOL. As for the Luchadores deal, I have a feeling Nimoy had his filthy mitts in there as well. One of these days I'll take a flaming guitar to his head and Lobo Fuerte too. Talk to ya soon!

*MANY hugs & kisses* Matt."

Just as he was logging off the phone rang. Matt nearly tripped over…something (I almost wrote coffee table, but they have no couch!) as he went to pick up the phone. 

"Hey this is Matt! Yes, I'm dating someone, yes, I was on TRL, and no I don't know Britney Spears personally."

"Matty, baby, sweetheart!" the caller cried. Matt nearly dropped the phone. 

"Mr. Buchholz!"

"Hey there, kiddo!" Yes, it was Bob Buchholz, the other American Writer from Hell. "Jeff and I had a great idea. What if _we _managed your band? Huh?" 

"NO!"

"I know, you probably need some time to think it over but…"

"Never! I'd rather make out with Archnemon than let you be my manager!"

Buchholz can be heard muttering, "Note to self, call Toei with idea for plot twist. Involves Ishida and spider."

~*~

Buchholz hung up the phone and sighed in defeat. He trudged into the office and sighed again, loud enough for Nimoy to hear. 

"Well, Bob?"

"He didn't buy it, Jeff."

"That's not good, Bob."

"I know, Jeff. What are we going to do, Jeff?"

"I have a plan, Bob."

"Really, Jeff?"

"Yes, Bob. I hacked into Matt's Internet account and was reading his email, Bob."

"How did you do that, Jeff?"

"When you threaten to withhold Ken's pay for a month you get anything, Bob. Anyway, Bob, I was reading his email and I came across one from a girl, Bob."

"So, Jeff? He gets tons of emails from girls, Jeff."

"But this is his girlfriend, Bob."

"Who is it, Jeff? Mimi or Sora, Jeff?"

"Neither, Bob."

"Do you mean to tell me, Jeff?"

"Yes, Bob. He's dating a nonexistent Digidestined, Bob."

"Really, Jeff?"

"And what's worse, Bob, she's an author. At fanfiction.net Bob."

"I think I've heard of her, Jeff. I think I read something of hers online, Jeff. She's called Lia, Jeff. And she's a rebel, Jeff. She thinks outside the box, Jeff."

"We can't have that, Bob."

"I know we can't, Jeff. What should we do, Jeff?"

"I say we pay a visit to some good friends of ours, Bob. They'll get Matt to cooperate, Bob."

"Because we'll have the girl, right, Jeff?"

"Of course, Bob."

~*~

Matt and his band members, whom I have given the inexplicit names Irving, Oscar, and Melville, were trying to fend off the screaming fans with kendo sticks borrowed from (or mugged off of) Cody as they attempted to rehearse. Just then the chime of someone's cell phone interrupted. Everyone (about two hundred plus fans and the four guys) stopped and checked their phone. It was Matt's. 

"Hey this is Matt. Can you leave a voice mail?"

"Buenos dias, Señor Ishida. We have your little niña and unless you agree to give up your band before mañana you can kiss your little niña adios. You might want to do what I say, unless you are plum loco. Adios, Señor."

A/N: Spanish students, do not smack me! Although I am a Latin speaker myself, I did that with poor Spanish on purpose. You'll see why later...or in five seconds. 

"Who was that?" Melville asked. Matt narrowed his eyes. 

"I'm leaving early, guys. I have some important business to take care of."

"Don't leave us here alone with the...well hel-lo ladies," Oscar said. 

~*~

"Let me go you lame excuse for poor television crap! I kicked Terry Bradshaw's sorry commentating a** and I can do the same for you!"

Lia's captors (not Card Captors) laughed with really heavy accents. 

"You're not going anywhere, Señorita."

Lia growled between clenched teeth and tried to bite the hands of the nearest, um, villain. They backed up quickly, putting their hands behind their backs. Just then a door opened and Nimoy and Buchholz walked in. 

"Excellent. Our plans are working, Bob."

"So they are, Jeff." Buchholz turned to the head villain. "How long before Ishida shows?"

"Not long, Señors."

"The highlight of my career as a Digidestined and an author: getting kidnapped by two English Script Writers and the Los Luchadores. I don't know how my day could get much better," Lia sighed, shaking her head. 

"Don't worry, it'll all be over fast," Turbine (the shorter, younger, still just as doofy Luchador) said, cupping a hand under her chin. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Maria Valentine asked, her hands on her hips, which are covered by some pretty lurid pleather pants. Turbine grinned and removed his stupid spandex mask. 

"Aye chihuahua! It's Señor Ishida!" Lobo Fuerte gasped. 

"That's right, and I demand to know why you chose to kidnap my girlfriend," he said, starting to untie the absolutely adorable little author. 

"Lia..." Matt cautioned, reading the above statement. 

"I'll fix it."

"That's right, and I demand to know why you chose to kidnap my girlfriend," said the absolutely incredibly hot Matt as he began to untie the cute non Mary-Sue author. 

"Better."

"Oh no you don't! You're not ruining all our careful plans! You're going to let us be your managers or else!" Buchholz cried. 

"Or else what?" Matt challenged. 

"Or else we pull out our secret weapon!" Nimoy threatened. 

"Oh, what, another low-budget ten episode series of Power Rangers? Another lame superhero who can make numbers magically appear? Reruns of the Magic School Bus?"

"Maria Valentine, unleash the Demon!" Nimoy cried. 

"You got it!" The non-Spanish Luchador skipped over to a large metal door vaguely resembling the one from Myotismon's castle. She pulled a lever and from the depths of the vault came...

"My God, what _is _that?" Lia gasped, running over to Matt and linking an arm around his. 

"It's...it's a Toei animator jogress digivolved with an English dubber!" Matt cried. 

A/N: For those of you who don't follow the Japanese version, jogress digivolving is the same as DNA digivolving, just with a cheesier Americanized name. 

"Surrender your band, your girlfriend, and your soul or else we'll turn you into a character stupider and more pointless than Michael!" Buchholz commanded. Lobo Fuerte cracked our hero to the back of the neck, knocking him down. He and the real Turbine, who had been stashed in a well-placed Author Plothole and had escaped, started tag-teaming Matt. It's just not his day. 

"Matt!"

"Oh, so that's the way you want to play?" Matt smirked, despite an accrual of dark bruises and the obvious shudders of pain. "Well, then we'll just have to make up rules of our own. Lia, we need some sort of…something!"

Lia, who was busy breaking all of Maria Valentine's fingers, looked up and nodded. She ducked out of the fanfic for a moment, frantically typed something, and sprinted back in. 

"What'd you do?" Matt asked. 

"A few things. One, briefly mentioned that Hawkmon has the tendencies to sound like Winnie-the-Pooh. Two, got rid of Lobo Fuerte and the Luchadores." Lobo and Company magically disappeared down an Author Plothole. "And three, borrowed a few things from here and there." 

"Like what?" Matt inquired as the jogress animator/script writer attempted blasting him with the Obviously Underdeveloped Poorly Drawn Character Rays from its English Scripts of Doom.

"Oh, like a katana, a gatling gun, twelve yards of duct tape, aaaaaand…a magic plot hole that will take us back to the beginning of the story where I can re-write the whole thing so none of this happened."

"Cool. Toss me the katana and let's book it." 

So, with some spiffy sword fighting our hero of the day (Matt fans, cheer) was able to defeat the jogress digivolved Toei animator/English script writer while his girlfriend duct-taped Nimoy and Buchholz to the wall, while threatening them with the gatling gun. Then she opened up the magic plot hole and the two of them jumped through. 

"Curses, Bob! They escaped our clutches, Bob, with a really lame ending and a plot hole, Bob!"

"I know, Jeff. What should we do, Jeff?"

"Figure out how to get out of here, Bob, and somehow seek revenge, Bob."

"Can we get a mocha latte too, Jeff?"

"Whatever makes you happy, Bob. Matt Ishida and his author girlfriend won't escape, Bob."

"Right, Jeff. Next time, Jeff, next time, Jeff."

~*~

Matt awoke half-lying on the kitchen table, his laptop (which is not yellow or has a pineapple, sorry Izzy fans) open beside him. 

"Oh man, that was painful. I've gotta warn Lia about those freaking plot holes next time." Just then the phone rang. Matt cringed. "Please not Nimoy and Buchholz, please not Nimoy and Buchholz, please not Nimoy and Buchholz."

It wasn't. "Matt? It's T.K. and the others. Listen, Archnemon is off on a rant because Nimoy and Buchholz and the American producer people decided to rename her Arukenimon and she's gone on the warpath and is blowing a ton of stuff up. Do you mind gracing us with your presence?"

"What, Tai can't do it?" 

"Yeah, but since the story revolves around you…"

"Ah…I've got a date, so…see what Joe is doing. He and Gomamon never do anything anymore."

"All right, but if you're lying about the date…"

"Me? Lie?"

~*~

So, to sum everything up, Matt continually gets stalked. And some more stuff happened, but we don't really care because Matt was in it and Davis wasn't because Davis just plain sucks. This, like so many other things I write, started out good but kinda went downhill. *sigh* Like I say continually, review. Otherwise you'll find yourself sitting in a plot hole with Los Luchadores.


End file.
